Hospit-ality

Hospitals are not my natural milieu, you might say

(she types, wincingly, with injured paw).

I mean, I just don’t go with the décor. Sitting in the Friends of the Hospital shop toying with a Styrofoam cup of unlikely-coloured tea with rapidly submerging tea-bag

(the dangly bit fell in)

is not my idea of Christmas Eve. I have bought a TV listings magazine to pass the time until I make my way to the clinic for my appointment

(if you don’t arrive before ten a.m. there are no parking spaces till tomorrow before ten a.m.)

but it contains nothing but staged photos of soap-opera actors pretending to be anguished, because it’s Christmas, and everyone knows Christmas is the perfect time to murder your missus and bury her beheath the patio.

(I hate soaps.)

At least it’s different. I mean, what else would I have been doing over Christmas? Compared to sitting in the conservatory with my mother for three silent hours listening to the clock ticking, and maybe knitting a row or two, driving 23.3 miles to the nearest A&E hospital

(and the same back)

four days in a row

(yes four, including Christmas Day)

to have my bitten hand prodded and redressed and antibiotics injected into some miniature piece of yellow or blue plastic bandaged into to my arm for the duration, this is actually quite exciting. This hospital is almost beginning to feel like a Home From Home. Like Home, without the cat litter and the non-functioning lightbulbs

(they are packing up in some mysterious sequence – it may be a code)

and Bertie ringing me up at 1.30 in the morning saying he thinks he’s dying but he’s not sure what of and it could be his waterworks but it might be his throat… or his psoriasis… and now I’ve got a car would I mind driving him to the hospital because an ambulance will never arrive in time… but that’s another story.

I may not tell it. Maybe it would be unkind? It probably would be unkind. But I may still tell it, because in spite of the nurse telling me I was a kind person, really I’m a bit of a moo.

I might tell it…

Suffice it for now to say that Nurse has instructed me to instruct Bertie next time he telephones in the middle of the night that the Nurse has ordered me to conserve my strength at the moment or my hand won’t get better. She says the technique is to be apologetic, kindly, sympathetic but not of any actual practical use over and over again. Eventually, she says, the person gets the message.

(I do not think Bertie is of a constitution to get any message, ever, but maybe her advice would be worth a try. It was kind of her to offer it, whilst slowly squeezing cold stuff into my arm from an enormous syringe.)

You will be please to hear

(I hope you are not reading this over your Christmas Dinner)

that although my cat-savaged hand still looks like the surface of some distant red planet, with scattered, erupting volcanoes, and feels as sore as the surface of such a planet must feel after aeons of being erupted under and onto by volcanoes, the hand itself has now returned to normal size. It originally swelled up and looked like the puffer fish featured above, without the mouth and the funny little fins. And at that point, of course, I could not drive although the taxi driver

(I have met quite a few taxi drivers in the past few days)

did explain to me that I could probably change gear for 23.3 miles by pushing the gear stick with the puffer-fish-type hand. He has obviously had to drive this way in the past so as to maintain his livelihood. A truly scary thought.

There’s a few good things about stuff like this. You get to chat to people you would never have chanced to meet, in your life. This morning, for example, I spent a couple of minutes with a middle-European lady who was allergic to painkillers, who was suffering from the most agonising bad back I have ever witnessed someone trying to walk along with. I think she must have slipped a disc. Even sitting still, talking to me, she was pausing to scream at intervals. I wished – I jut wished, at that point – that I possessed those healing hands, the sort you can just lay on or hover above people, to take away their pain. But hopefully they will find at least one painkiller she is not allergic to.

You may find out things about yourself you would never otherwise have known. I discovered via the blood tests that though  I may not have sepsis (may not, presumably I’d feel a bit iller if I had) I do have anaemia. So now I have iron tablets. How exciting! This may be the beginning of the inevitable metamorphosis into one of those old ladies with a medicine cupboard bursting with cardboard boxes of tablets for this and tablets for that…

And you get to master new skills, if only tiny ones. I am a coward, you see. I tend to avoid doing stuff that’s stressful, and for me, anything I haven’t done before, anything new, tends to get avoided. New cars contain many such skills, and I have been avoiding learning them all. In case I couldn’t. In case it was stressful.

But last night, thanks to Bertie and his hyponchondria/panic attack demand to be whisked to the Community Hospital (only about 6 miles away) I was forced to work out where the button was to switch on the headlights

(yay!)

and this morning, in anticipation of having to retrieve a car-park ticket from one of those scary yellow machines via the car window so that the barrier would lift, I had to devote some time to deducing how to open windows in a car so very modern it has no handle to wind. At all. And then I managed the drive to the hospital, round one of the worst-designed many-laned roundabouts of all time

(get in your lane well in advance and don’t whatever you do move out of it till you get to the other side: taxi driver)

and bought petrol, even though the petrol place is on completely the wrong side of the car and there is no cap just some sort of hole

and found my way on Christmas Eve through dense traffic in an unfamiliar town, and actually found a parking space, and then actually managed to reverse the entire sequence

(apart from buying petrol, which would have been silly)

on the way back.

Ow! (Ow Ow!)

Well, this will be my first one-armed post. So probably quite a short one.

Cat (appropriately, three-legged cat) turned round and bit me as I foolishly tried to stop him biting another cat. I suppose, if thinking at all, I was thinking – a three-legged cat, what harm can he do? Four very sharp teeth punctured my left hand full force, and now of course it has gone All Funny. Hand swollen up like a balloon. Cannot open tins with either hand, since I am strongly left-handed and yes, the left hand is the disabled one. Am having to feed them Felix pouches ordered in big boxes from Amazon and opened painfully with scissors. They love Felix but the pouch version costs the earth. At this rate there will be no presents for anybody next Christmas or the Christmas after that.

So, I cannot drive (just bought a replacement car) and cannot write. This morning got yet another email asking me for my meter readings. Thought a bit, then typed the numbers right-handed into my phone. Rest of the time am reduced to watching TV, ice pack clamped to hand, filth and chaos multiplying all around.

When I went to the hospital yesterday (on the bus, with Bertie, who isn’t very well either) they looked at me reprovingly and asked me why I hadn’t come in yesterday morning, when it happened. Well, I didn’t really realise it was going to almost immediately start looking like some kind of vile swamp and blow up like a balloon. I assumed it would just sort of go away… eventually.

Three things:

a) Apparently 90% of the British population is naturally immune to Tetanus nowadays. They immunise children for it as babies, it seems. They don’t like wasting tetanus shots so they do a little blood test on you first, and I am one of the 10% with no immunity. So, a tetanus shot in either arm and four more still to come.

b) They have put me on these very strong antibiotics which nurse describes, encouragingly, as “the Domestos of all antibiotics”. She tells me it would be best not to read the contra-indications in the leaflet inside the box. Antibiotics usually make me feel queasy, but oddly these haven’t. Neither have they reduced the size of the swollen hand, yet. The pain-killers are making me feel queasy.

c) I am instructed if the redness reaches my elbow or begins to track upwards “like veins” I am to make my way immediately to Accident and Emergency fifteen or twenty miles away. Over Christmas. With no buses, no trains, and unable to drive. Thankfully, so far no tracking.

Ah, tis indeed the season to be Merry!

holly